Saturday, May 2, 2015

Pep talk.

"In the beginning there is not much difference between the coward and the courageous person.  The only difference is, the coward listens to his fears and follows them, and the courageous person puts them aside and goes ahead.  The courageous person goes into the unknown in spite of all the fears." - Osho

Tossing and turning, tossing and turning some more, that was my night of "sleep" last night.  I had this obscure dream where I was downtown in the early morning hours to pick up my car after being at a rave(or something like that)all night.  As I waited on the corner, chillin' before getting in my car, all of a sudden it was gone.  Stolen?  Towed?  My dream state didn't say, so I called my dad to pick me up so we could figure out how to advise the police about my missing vehicle.  I was relieved when I awoke to realize that my car is still parked where I park it every night at my apartment complex.  Glad I didn't have to deal with police...

I would be lying to myself if I tried to say I wasn't sure what's causing the temporary insomnia.  This morning, I find myself having quite the internal conflict.  A bit too personal to describe in detail, I'm being faced with a situation where I have to make a decision where either choice is neither right nor wrong.  Both choices are positive, allowing a lot of growth, and both choices can potentially cause a lot of questions that could remain unanswered.  Therein lies the conflict, and the fear.  

I feel compelled to stay the course, allowing myself to move through this particular experience and become pressurized.  That pressure will either make me stronger, teaching me or, it will break me; but it's got to be better than being sedentary.  This gypsy can't stay still, and that includes internally.  This is why I'm so intrigued by this situation, the unknown it will bring into my life.  I'm addicted to the unknown, I'm addicted to its reflections and its lessons.  I have an impulse to forge ahead despite the fear. 

Coupled with the impulse to forge ahead is the impulse to walk away, realizing that this situation is not something I need to continue to involve myself with.  Realizing that I have learned what I need to learn from it and the time has come to have a new adventure.  But wait, aren't both pathways a new adventure?  Isn't life itself a new adventure every day?  Oy vey.

I am left to remain in conflict for the time being.  Deep down, my intuition is signaling that either decision is okay, I cannot choose wrong.  I am simply baffled that I have reached a point in my life of such neutrality, a gift of enduring the awakening process.  Both choices bring the unknown, both choices present fears.  There is no other choice except to accept my own decision and the decisions of all parties involved with a response of love.  After all, the only choice we have in life is to choose between love or fear.

"To accept the challenge of the unknown, in spite of all the fears, is courage. The fears are there, but if you go on accepting the challenge again and again, slowly slowly those fears disappear." - Osho 

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt