Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Lonliness.




There is a rather popular belief that world travel is nothing but 100% good times. I will now break all hearts and dispell this purely false belief. It seems that many folks believe that when one travels, it´s a party every other night, mind blowing scenery, historical sites, friendly locals, wonderful restaurants and hostels full of travelers from the world over ready, willing and able to share good times. Not a reality. I should also preface this by saying that I am not exactly the typical "world traveler", meaning I am not backpacking from place to place for months on end. I have come here to Colombia to live, essentially I am an immigrant.

This past few days has been particularly difficult for me, dealing with homesickness and culture shock(AGAIN, I swear there is no remedy). I am not exactly missing the USA, I am missing the fact that people can understand me when I talk and I am missing the people in my life whom understand me best. It is terribly lonely to do this. I have no friends, I have no family, I have nobody whom has known me for more than the six weeks I have been here. And out of the people whom I have met in those six weeks with whom I am closest, there is the language and culture barrier. I cannot talk to anyone when I am sad or stressed out, and when I try my Spanish usually just frustrates me more. Nor do the Colombians understand because most of them have barely left their city, let alone their country, family, culture and language.
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Let me tell you how much I love it when someone speaks to me in Spanish like I´m a native speaker and then looks at me like I´m an idiot for not understanding. I speak Spanish, I actually speak it rather well, but that does not mean that I have been speaking it for the same amount of time as these people. I would assume that it is obivous that Spanish is not my first language and to slow down when one speaks seems to be something that would happen without too much effort. I guess I´m wrong on this one. Do the second language English speakers a favor, enunciate and slow the hell down when speaking to them, it makes life SO much easier.
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I am also totally convinced that there is a country-wide staring contest going on between all the Colombians. I cannot walk down the street for 3meters with out some man hissing at me(their way of trying to get my attention, I find it sickening and offensive), or some kid looking at me like I´m an alien, complete blank stare, and even the women stare like I am naked or something. That´s right, men, women and children, even the dogs stare sometimes, no lie. It is something I have dealt with everywhere I have gone and I will never grow accustomed to it. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I do not remember us Americans staring at every foreigner walking down the street in our country, but hey, I guess that´s the difference.
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That´s me down there, all alone in Bogotá.
I´m sure some of you are thinking, "Why in the hell is she there if it´s so terrible?". That´s not the point, but there are days and times when I just want to scream and cry and scream some more because being so different, being so detached from everything one has known is not easy. If there was a word to describe difficult times one million, that´s how it is to change country. The more time I spend out of the United States, the more respect I have for the families who come to my country looking for a better life, and I completely understand why they live in neighborhoods full of others like them. When I find the neighborhood full of Americans, I´m there! However 99.9% of Americans believe Colombia is a drug-filled land of pure violence on every corner, so I doubt I will find a group of other United Statesians anytime soon. Not even the Brits do it for me. Sure we can speak English together, but it´s not the same, their humor is way too advanced for me. All the Aussies are alcoholics, boring and annoying. The Canadians are great, but they don´t quite understand the highstrung-ness of Americans. That´s it, that´s all I got. All alone with my American anxiety.


Though difficult beyond description, it is also rewarding beyond description. The things one learns about oneself and one´s culture by detaching from it is invaluable. I would love to call up and chat with one of my girlfriends for old times sake, but I would spend my savings in a week doing that. There is a trade off for everything in life. And though I do not identify with the culture here as well as I may like, I also have discovered I do not identify with American culture either. So I might as well be here where the weather is better.
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Post script. Yes people, I know I signed up for this, I´m not ignorant to that. I don´t hate this at all, I just want some familiar company sometimes! I will survive, and be warm whilst doing it.





5 comments:

  1. Sounds like you need a hug my lovely. I now have a key to the house - another sign that she really wants to sell to us, 1/2 a step nearer...

    Let's catch up soon.

    Alex x

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  2. Even when your sad and angry you write very well.

    OXOXOXOXOXOX

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  3. They stare because you are tall, beautiful and stunning. Ummmmm, maybe some attitude goes with that too??? Who, Sarah Kay? Attitude?

    You are brave. As you notice, the rest of us are all in our pods, nests and comfort zones.
    You go girl!

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  4. I felt the same way in Ghana. The centre of attention. Always. It was nice to go home and become anonymous.

    And then, when you are home, you miss the road like the dickens. Not an hour goes by that I don't catch myself thinking of flying somewhere that is not here.

    Soon, I tell myself, soon...

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