Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Denver girl.

I'm a Colorado born woman, and though I've traveled a lot and lived other places, I've spend most of my life here in Denver.  Besides the totally typical Colorado look of fleece vest, dirty baseball cap, and hiking shoes worn as regular shoes, I never really thought twice about the "fashion" in Denver.  And I put "fashion" in quotes for a reason.  Upon returning this June, after nearly five years away, I quickly noticed the fashion trends in Denver as being very Denver.  I will indulge you.

Keep in mind in my time away I was living in places as far flung as Mayan villages in Guatemala, but mostly it was my time in a few world cities that forever changed my fashion perspective.  I have Los Angeles and Buenos Aires to thank for my increased judgement of fashion, but I also have been influenced by fashion in Bogot√°, and even during my trip to Hong Kong.  Oh, Denver, how you lack taste.  It seems that people in Denver get dressed in the dark, and that people here can get dressed in the dark because their wardrobes don't really vary thus no need to actually see what one is wearing before leaving the house.  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with laid back, mountain biker/ski bum guy, but for fuck sake some effort can be made as opposed to none whatsoever.  I won't go off too much on the guys, they are guys and I'm convinced that most of them live here in Colorado as a purposeful way to avoid the need to be fashionable anyways.

It's the ladies that bring me to the blog tonight.  The Denver girl.  Let me explain in detail what Denver girl is.  First of all, I must begin with the hair.  Denver girl has colored hair, and with a specific pattern.  Denver girl has some sort of fake red/maroon colored hair with big chunks of bleach blonde, perhaps in the bangs(bangs are a must for Denver girl), or on one side of the hair.  It's all over-processed,  fried if you will, from so much coloring in order to keep the blonde blonde, and the fake red as fake as ever; not to mention the excessive heat styling to keep that "edgy" look.  Another typical thing that Denver girl does is shave a patch of her hair off, usually on the side that she parts on, but sometimes in the back where it's easier to hide and I've even seen Denver girl shave more than one patch of hair.  Puhlease, that style is so old, just ask Skrillex.  But Denver girl is behind the times since she lives in a cow town in the middle of the country, and to herself she's a rebel!  That's the hair and it's horrific, I hate it and I want those women to actually look in the mirror and realize what a disaster their hair has become.

Denver girl has a specific outfit, uniform as I like to call it.  Denver girl, first and foremost has a girly black t-shirt on.  Usually this t-shirt is some sort of graphic tee, and is more often than not cut up in some way in order to customize and show the world(Denver)just how unique and creative she is!  Often times Denver girl pairs her cut up, black tee with some kind of dark skinny jeans held up by a metal studded belt.  Denver girl will also wear a bandana in her hair to add to her look and if not a bandana, it's a trucker hat.  Oh Denver girl, you're killing me, a trucker hat?  Really?  The uniform is finished with Chuck Taylors or boots and a hoodie.

The accessories is where I get lost, and trust me I feel quite lost at this point already as far as what the hell kind of "fashion" statement Denver girl is making.  Denver girl has a lot of tattoos, perhaps her boyfriend is a tattooist, and if he's not, her boyfriend's best friend is, hence the excessive tattoos that Denver girl has.  Either way, Denver girl is getting tatted!  But I think the thing that I hate the most about Denver girl is the stretched ear lobes.  We're not in Africa or South America here and the stretched lobes just make me wanna barf.  Hate them.  I wonder if Denver girl knows that there's not really any going back after that shit is stretched and how I feel about aging is this: don't intentionally stretch any skin, especially near your face.  Sheesh, we will get stretched and sag enough with life itself, we don't need to force it here ladies.  You're all gonna look real dumb when you're 65 years old and have saggin' ass ear lobes.  Denver girl often has a few other visible piercings to accompany her plentiful tattoos and stretched lobes, you know, just to make sure we've noticed how punk rock she is.  The ironic thing about all of this effort put into this Denver girl look is that Denver girl hardly wears any make up, but if she does it's definitely liquid black eyeliner.  C'mon Denver girl, you go to these great lengths to over-style your hair, cut up your t-shirt and stretch your ear lobes, but you can't get creative with make up?

Oh Denver girl, I noticed you everywhere when I returned to Colorado earlier this year.  You poor thing, you think you are so unique with your trying-too-hard mix of feminine and punk rock.  But what you don't realize is that your six best friends all have the same look, and probably tattoos from the same guy.  I get it, at one time I was a black t-shirt wearing, mohawk sporting Denver girl.  And I thank the high heavens that my eyes have been opened by true fashion the world over mostly because I have a lot more choices now.  Being a Denver girl is nothing to be ashamed of, but it makes it very clear that you have never spent time away from Denver and had a dose of reality.  Girls + cut up tee shirts = no.     

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