Thursday, November 21, 2013


Being the first snowstorm of the fall/winter season, I am reminded of one of the hugest reasons that I don't like the cold and snow at all.  I am terrified of slipping and falling on ice. Pagophobia is the irrational fear of ice or frost, and I've got it.  All my years of being away from these specific weather conditions, I had forgotten all about it.  Until today that is, when I walked to the store in the 14°F ice and snow where I was reminded full force that I can become consumed by this fear of slipping with every step I take.  I made it to the Whole Foods without falling at all and enjoyed a nice lunch with my brother as well as picking up a few other items to survive the snow and cold that is now my life. 

While we ate and watched the snow fall outside, we discussed this fear of ice and compared it to my other irrational fear, babies.  Fear of babies and small children is called pedophobia, something which I realize I can never say to someone.  I will never be able to say that I'm a pedophobe as it just sounds way too much like, well, we all know.  

As I pondered these phobias, the question came to me, would I rather fall on ice or hold a baby?  The thought of both sends waves of anxiety through my body as I want nothing to do with either of these awful things.  And as I've thought a lot about it today, I'm not so sure that I can honestly choose one.  I mean ice is inanimate, cold, lifeless and very hard, and can put one in the hurt locker(or the hospital)if you fall just right.  But babies, eeek, babies, nothing about them appeals to me and I am horrified by them entirely.  I do not think they are cute, or precious, or funny, or any of the commonly felt emotions towards babies.  In fact, my feelings for babies ironically resemble the properties of ice; cold, hard and dangerous.  Sure a baby can't actually do me bodily harm like falling on ice can, but at least ice is predictable and doesn't cry or shit itself(though I have nearly shit myself walking on it). 

So when it comes down to it, I'll choose to neither get near a baby or fall on ice.  I'll move to a tropical island populated by exclusively by sterile adults.  Sterile adults?  Because we all know it's when adults spend too much time together that babies suddenly show up, everyone's language skills take a huge dive and everyone seems to forget about anything except the stupid, wrinkled, crying blob of neediness.  Blech!  Offended?  I don't care and neither does your baby.    

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