Lalochezia.

Dear assholes of the world,

Before you come into my barbershop with and give me your mysogynstic "I don't care, you're the professional" attitude, let me fill you in on a few things.  First of all, you were a total asshole before you came into my shop, I did not do or say anything for you to be so mother fucking condescending towards me because I am a female in the service industry.  When I ask you questions about your hair it's because I actually care about what you walk out of my shop with, unlike you.  And you can't even sit back and act like you don't actually give a fuck, because as soon as I fuck up your haircut, trust me, you are suddenly gonna care you worthless prick.  

When you are too stupid or arrogant to answer the questions that I'm phrasing in baby talk so your dumb ass can understand, then I'm gonna do my job and tell you what's best, just like mommy does.  I'm not asking you questions to make you feel even more fucking stupid than you already are, I'm aware of the fact that you are not a professional hairdresser(and the fact that you are fucking stupid), so put your fragile fucking ego aside for two fucking minutes and help me figure out what I'm supposed to do for you so that you can maybe not look quite like the rotten asshole that you are.  Same goes for when I'm educating you about hair, scalp, products, etc.  It's because I care, oh, and I'm actually doing my job, shocking I know, since you seem to think it's some technique that I'm using to make you look stupid.  Trust me honey, you are doing a fine job at making yourself look stupid and there's no way I'd get in the way of the one thing you are actually good at.

Also, just because you are an asshole does not give you the right to stiff me.  Tipping is standard in any service industry in United States and just because you came in as an asshole, you remained an asshole throughout the entire haircut, and left an asshole does not mean that I should kiss your ass.  I know for a fact that in spite of your fucking issues with the world, that I did a fantastic job on your haircut, which you will certainly notice in the coming weeks, so fucking buck up and tip you cheap son of a bitch.  Oh and speaking of being a son of a bitch, just exactly what did your mommy do or not do to make you hate all women, especially ones that are trying to take care of you and make you look better so you stand a fucking chance in a world that is so clearly against you?  Fuck you. 

So to the assholes of the world, fortunately you are a very rare breed and only accost us with your toxic fucking energy a few times a year, you can fuck right off.  We don't need your money, we don't want your money.  You can go fuck your money.  Chances are it is the closest you will come to getting fucked at all.  You are an ugly fucking bastard and it oozes from the inside of you like the pus on the dirt filled gouge that is your heart.  As for me, I laugh at your pathetic existence because if you have to come treat a random hairstylist like shit because you are the one with the fucking problem, then, well, I don't even need to finish that thought.  You are a worthless piece of shit, but your mom probably already told you that.  So next time, take your cheap ass to Walgreens and buy some fucking clippers, buzz your own fucking hair, clean your own fucking mess, stiff yourself and appreciate what a truly bad haircut is.

Fuck you and fuck off you fucking waste of space.

With all my heart,
Sarah the barber